Billboard

Spied this Melrose last night. A billboard advertising Headshot Photography. Now, how any headshot photographer has enough money to put up a billboard is beyond me, unless of course he's charging actors a RIDICULOUS sum of money for a headshot session, (and, given the look of the photo in the advertisement, he shouldn't be charging more than $50). Also, when's the last time someone in Hollywood got a black and white headshot taken? The whole thing is so 1987 I'm not sure what to think. Although 90210 is coming back to television, so...

How to Read a Script

One of the things I've learned in my newfound (dare I call it) career as a writer is how to read a screenplay or TV Episode script as an actor. Basically, you have to ignore a lot of it.

See, one of the things that acting schools don't teach you is that writers, writing for any medium outside the theater, are writing to show a reader what this final product might look like. They are writing to sell as much as anything else. And in attempting to create a picture for the potential buyer, or showrunner, or boss, one must write in a ton of looks, facial expressions, reactions, parentheticals, emotions - all of which, in reading a script, help show the reader what the final product might look like, none of which help the actor deliver a performance.

See, as a writer, I don't care if the actor smiles where I say smile, or gives a dirty look where I say "gives a dirty look." In writing a screenplay, I use those as devices to make beats, to help map the page. I would, in the end, much rather see an actor honestly play the scene, using all of those markers as a roadmap. The same way a playwright writes "(beat)," I might write "Del looks out at the sea for a moment, wondering if he'll ever find his way back home." Essentially, silent pause, but I want the reader, the potential producer, what have you, to be inside the character at that moment because I don't have the benefit of having an actor performing at that moment.

As an actor, you must learn to read between these lines - you must find the map. And the more honest of a performance you can give, even if you don't drop your keys when told, or heave a sigh of regret, you're gonna be closer to getting the job.

At least... that's how I write.

Tax Time

Guess how many W-2's I had this year?

9

Add to that a few 1099's and you've got yourself a real headache. For those who are already bored, lost, confused by all those numbers... A W-2 means they took taxes out, or could have or should have. A 1099 means they didn't. Both report earnings.

As an actor working professionally, you will be paid by a talent payroll company and your wages will be taxed. One benefit to this is that you can, after your one day of work on Medium, file for unemployment. One drawback is that the IRS thinks that you were an employee of a Payroll company for a day, and they're none to happy when you try to explain to them that you are an actor, by definition a perpetually freelance job, and that you give 10% of this income to your agent, and yes you should be able to deduct that, and...

Lost you again, huh? Ok, that's my point. Hire an accountant. Let them deal with this. Because tax laws weren't built for artists but a knowledgeable professional (not H&R Block) will be able to help you write off all that needs writing off. If you should ever go through an audit, as I did two years ago, you'll be damn glad you did. (I beat them, by the way.)

More helpful hints here.

Google is Good

You have to love any corporate giant that can play an April Fools Joke.

Polaroid Obit

Next summer, 61 years after it was invented, Polaroid will stop making film for its cameras. 

The polaroid has been a beloved tool of casting directors, especially commercial casting directors, in all the time I've been acting. At any commercial audition, one must fill out a size card and have a Polaroid taken. The polaroid is then stapled to the size card, and given to the casting director, or whoever happens to be in the room.

I've never, ever looked good in a Polaroid picture. But I'm not alone. I've seen models, actual models, real life models at auditions not look good in their Polaroids. Giselle has taken bad Polaroids. And yet, I have a certain affinity for the instant gratification of the photo, the rote mechanism it has become in my life. I blindly fill out the size card, I put on my carbon copy smile, bend at the knees a little (because I'm always taller than the person taking my picture, and you never look good shot from below) and FLASH! I am captured in an instant and stapled to my sizes.

So for all you actors out there, having a Polaroid taken will soon be a thing of the past. I encourage you to cherish the moment.

Up next, the barcode. And why I have one.

Speaking of Cattle

So, I'm on someone's sh*tlist right now for not signing an animal rights petition. It was about veal. And she brought it, I kid you not, to a steak dinner, to have the guests sign it. 

I like veal. I like it tender. I like it the same way I like Fois Gras from suffering fowl. I also have a dog that I love very much. I believe in animal rights - I'm just not sure when it comes to the ones I eat. 

I didn't make an issue about not signing it, by the way, I just politely passed it back without my name on it. Where I come from, you don't bring petitions to dinner. And you don't get mad at people for not signing them. I believe that's what led to fascism.

But really, a veal petition at a steakhouse?

Cattle

I deny that I ever said actors were cattle. What I said was 'Actors should be treated like cattle.'

-Alfred Hitchcock

I thought of that quote the other day while entering a casting office. In front of the building there was a sign. 

CASTING:2nd Floor. Actors, please do not disturb other tenants in the building.

Now, how would I disturb them exactly? Would I run from office to office, poking my head in and saying "Boo"? Would I just meander the halls, mooing like a cow might. Or was my very actorly presence disturbing in and of itself.

Hitchcock's line might seem offensive, but in fact, he makes a great point. It's not that we act like bovine creatures, it's that we're treated like them. Treat an actor like a cow long enough... he might just turn into one.

A few other ways actors are treated like ripening rib eye...

NO ACTOR PARKING. A familiar sign at all casting offices. OK, I understand. But somehow, a "Client Parking Only" sign, or "Parking for Employees Only" sign doesn't work. These NO ACTOR PARKING signs feel a bit like the WHITES ONLY water fountains of the 50's.

At auditions, we're often told to sit in the order we're supposed to go into the room. Like we don't have brains and memories. "You're first, you're second." Like it's really difficult to call someone's name.

Cattle calls. I don't think I need to explain this one.