Speaking of Cattle

So, I'm on someone's sh*tlist right now for not signing an animal rights petition. It was about veal. And she brought it, I kid you not, to a steak dinner, to have the guests sign it. 

I like veal. I like it tender. I like it the same way I like Fois Gras from suffering fowl. I also have a dog that I love very much. I believe in animal rights - I'm just not sure when it comes to the ones I eat. 

I didn't make an issue about not signing it, by the way, I just politely passed it back without my name on it. Where I come from, you don't bring petitions to dinner. And you don't get mad at people for not signing them. I believe that's what led to fascism.

But really, a veal petition at a steakhouse?

Cattle

I deny that I ever said actors were cattle. What I said was 'Actors should be treated like cattle.'

-Alfred Hitchcock

I thought of that quote the other day while entering a casting office. In front of the building there was a sign. 

CASTING:2nd Floor. Actors, please do not disturb other tenants in the building.

Now, how would I disturb them exactly? Would I run from office to office, poking my head in and saying "Boo"? Would I just meander the halls, mooing like a cow might. Or was my very actorly presence disturbing in and of itself.

Hitchcock's line might seem offensive, but in fact, he makes a great point. It's not that we act like bovine creatures, it's that we're treated like them. Treat an actor like a cow long enough... he might just turn into one.

A few other ways actors are treated like ripening rib eye...

NO ACTOR PARKING. A familiar sign at all casting offices. OK, I understand. But somehow, a "Client Parking Only" sign, or "Parking for Employees Only" sign doesn't work. These NO ACTOR PARKING signs feel a bit like the WHITES ONLY water fountains of the 50's.

At auditions, we're often told to sit in the order we're supposed to go into the room. Like we don't have brains and memories. "You're first, you're second." Like it's really difficult to call someone's name.

Cattle calls. I don't think I need to explain this one.

Listen to This

One of the better things about LA is public radio station KCRW, and one of the best things about KCRW is Rob Long's Martini Shot, two minute interstitial bit of industry observation. Rob Long is a television writer (he wrote on Cheers, and also wrote a funny book about the business called Conversations with my Agent), and he calls it exactly as he sees it in his commentary. From this week's assessment of the end of the writer's strike as analogous to that moment in a slasher movie when the "dead" villain rises in the background just when everyone feels safe...

"And rushed and frantic as it is, it's never so rushed or so frantic or so hurried that every single executive still on the payroll (and surprise! Even after four months, they're all still on the payroll!) doesn't build a little time into the process to deliver a set of script notes. We're in a time crunch, sure. But I'm making it better."

Anyway, check out Martini Shot past episode podcasts here. Among my favorites, Good Agentry, Continue Trading, and the one to which I personally connect most, Check Email. And support your local public radio station.

They Call it Acting

One of the things that has happened in the two years that I've been in Los Angeles is that I've made more money "acting" than I ever have before. And in that time, I've done less "acting" then ever before, leading me to wonder just what "acting" is.

When I became serious about this career, I had the unshakeable belief that to act was to explore and share the human condition with an audience in an authentic and novel way. I was a behavioral scientist, presenting my findings of character and crisis to a live crowd. I could effect people. This, I felt, was important work. I was not simply an entertainer. I was part of a movement, I was trying to change the world. I was connecting to people, and as a beloved acting teacher once told me as if it was scripture, "only connect."

My last job was a Wendy's ad. I didn't change anything. I did get a lot of text messages from friends I hadn't heard from in awhile when it aired. I guess that's connecting.

Last year, I played an Internal Affairs Detective, a Honda Salesman, a guy at a dinner party, a security guard,  bartender, a rapid sports fan, and an office worker. Rarely did I explore the human condition, and if I did, I was hawking some product or other. I don't really feel like I've done any acting - which involves things like collaboration, creativity, challenges, discovery, personalization. Instead, I've been filling in a small gap in other people's creative vision, I've been fitting the bill. I match what someone sees in their mind, hopefully add to it, and they hire me.

This is not what I set out to do as an actor, and I'm not actually presenting any findings of fact here. I guess I just wonder what one calls this thing I do. Cuz I don't think it's called acting.

Boot Camp

One of the ways I supplement my income (shocker! writing a book about the acting business doesn't pay the bills) is by editing demo reels for actors. I came up with the idea when I needed to get my own demo reel made and found that people wanted to charge me upwards of $75 an hour to get it done. So, I've set up an affordable practice from my home office where people bring me their footage and I cut it for a flat rate of $150. I get some pocket cash, actors don't break the bank to get their reel, la, la, la... everyone is happy.

I'm telling you this not to solicit clients (okay, that'd be fine too) but because I am so steaming mad at the number of people who take advantage of actors with exorbitant fees and even more expensive promises, and I want to make sure I make a full declaration of how I conduct business before I tell this tale. 

One of my clients came to me needing an update to his reel. He had attended a Hosting Bootcamp - a weekend seminar taught by a "hosting expert" (whatever that means) at the cost of $500. At the end of the seminar, you get to do two minutes in front of a green screen. However, if you want the footage, you have to pay an additional $20 for a DVD (they cost fourteen cents wholesale, I know). The DVD he ended up with skips in places, and they won't send him a new one, he has to drive out to Santa Monica and get one. Plus, he told me that the "Hosting Expert" spent a majority of her time talking about politics, not teaching hosting.

Now, for $500 you could buy a camcorder and stand in front of a green wall and make all the hosting tape you want. And from what he tells me about the class, they didn't learn anything. Her class boasts about teaching you to read copy. (Um, read it, and look at the camera, and have a personality.) There comes a point where I just want to scream at people, if you can't figure out how to do something like this on your own you should probably NOT BE IN THIS BUSINESS.

It's everyone's fault. The actors who think they need the footage so badly that it's worth the money, that they'll learn that one little secret that will suddenly boost them to stardom. (There is no secret, there is only subjectivity). The ethically corrupt "experts" who teach these high priced classes - I figure this woman must make at least $10,000 a seminar. And guess how she's not making that money? Hosting her own show.

Yes, there are expenditures, but please be wise about the ones you choose. Spending half of your rent on a weekend, learning to read a cue card, that's not going to get you anywhere. Instead, stay home that weekend and watch Ryan Seacrest host the Idol on your Tivo and figure out what he's doing that's so good, because people love that guy. Get a little innovation. Because if you don't have that, who on earth is going to trust you to host their show.

End of Days

I would love, love, LOVE to say that I am greeting the end of the WGA strike with joy and enthusiasm, but I find that it's really only creating more anxiety. After all, not having any film and television auditions during a strike is one thing; not having them when everyone else is back to work is another. It's been an ironically great few months for out of work actors. They've counted among their ranks such luminaries as, oh, THE STARS OF EVERY TELEVISION SHOW ON THE AIR. When I asked a friend of mine recently how he felt about the strike, he echoed this sentiment rather wisely. "I guess I feel like everyone else is finally in the same boat I'm always in."

On another note, my girlfriend almost survived the strike. 2 days short. Warner Bros. let her know that last Friday would be her last day - knowing full well an end of strike announcement was expected Saturday. Now they'll be re-hiring her on Wednesday. We figure they saved a grand total in the neighborhood of 400 bucks. Let's hear it for corporate giants.

... but twice?

This woman had her nurse with her. This was for a regional ad that will only run in Arizona. 

Sometimes casting waiting areas feel like the welfare office.

Stay in this game long enough

I was sitting in a waiting room at Ocean Park casting yesterday, reading my book in a corner and waiting for my audition to begin when I looked up and saw this. Is it supposed to be this way?  70 years old and auditioning for a Keystone Light ad?

I'm back...

What with the burgeoning blogosphere and my own recent writers block, I decided it was time to get this thing up and running again. I know that there are a lot of actors out there posting away about their auditions. Hopefully, you'll find a sense of humor, wry irony, and something different here. After all, I wrote a book about this life.

So, maybe now this will be place where I can blather on about the business a little, and other more meaningful things a lot.


If you haven't checked out the book, it's available wherever books are sold, and though I support independent booksellers whenever and wherever I can, if you buy it from amazon.com it'll make me happy because I check my sales ranking there like 4 times a day.