Retarded Actor

Today, at a casting session, I was called - to my face - a "retarded actor."

This happened as the result of an argument that arose when I was attempting to point our to the person running the session that they had repeatedly skipped over me to go in the room. He told me that he was waiting to pair me with the "right person" because I would have a better chance booking the job. I told him to let me worry about booking the job. Then he said, "SAG says we have you for an hour anyway." 

Using the SAG maximum alloted time to keep an actor before one has to pay him as an appropriate timeframe for an audition consisting of two guys and one line made me upset. I told him that, quite frankly, I was tired of being treated like a child at casting sessions. He told me he wasn't treating me like a child, but like a "retarded actor." At this point I lost it - screaming match in the waiting area - and walked out. I value my pride more than a regional lotto ad.

A couple of things struck me about the experience. First, was that not one actor in that room got my back. I may have gotten a little too pissed off, sure, but has it really come to the point where we all just accept being treated like cattle? I do my job well - I prepare for auditions, I'm generally respectful. Why is it so much to demand that a casting session run on or near schedule? Where on earth is SAG on this issue? 

I regained my cool - although my girlfriend still thinks I overreacted. Still, if you can't call them as you see them, don't you lose the one thing that makes you an actor? Don't you lose your soul?

Union Infighting

One of the cardinal rules of any green room or film set, is don't talk politics. However, the recent SAG/AFTRA AMPTP debacle is leaving me thinking it might be time to break that rule. 

First off, I'm always going to take the side of the unions against producers. That said, I cannot believe the mismanagement within SAG right now. One of the rules to which I adhere is that the perception of X is as bad as X itself. For example, the perception of United States as torturing prisoners makes it (though not morally) irrelevant as to whether we actually are or not. Everyone thinks we are is what matters. With SAG, the perception of ineptitude and discord within its ranks is managing to undermine any steady ground from which to negotiate. In the end, all actors look bad - we're a bunch of loose cannons, disorganized, who cannot even negotiate together due to infighting. Who's on the right side, SAG or AFTRA? I couldn't care less. The point is, actors lose out. 

There are many issues for the unions to address, and they are falling dangerously behind. New media, sure. But how about figuring out a way to guarantee actor's quotes, earned over time, for work performed. What about leveling higher dues on our most wealthy members to support the crumbling health fund? SAG and AFTRA are losing themselves to age-old politicking while producers laugh and actor's suffer.

The Unions should take a page from the Democrats. Time to find unity, or at least the perception of it.

Today's News

This is one of those posts you can file under "other stuff."

Here's what I learned on my drive home today while listening to NPR.

There's a woman in Sun City, Arizona, who has to drive 90 minutes - each way - to work every day. It costs her $50 to fill up her car. She's taken to buying non-perishable food - such as frozen dinners (chicken nuggets, lasagna) - in place of real groceries. Cheaper, and they won't go bad. On her birthday, she really wanted to go somewhere nice, but because her family was worried about money, so they ended up at Applebee's. 

I also learned that 4 major American oil companies just won no bid contracts to the Iraqi oil fields. There was some mention of "charity" in the story. 

You can buy stock in oil, and family chain restaurants, in this economy. Why should corporate giants have to suffer. W would like that.

Billboard

Spied this Melrose last night. A billboard advertising Headshot Photography. Now, how any headshot photographer has enough money to put up a billboard is beyond me, unless of course he's charging actors a RIDICULOUS sum of money for a headshot session, (and, given the look of the photo in the advertisement, he shouldn't be charging more than $50). Also, when's the last time someone in Hollywood got a black and white headshot taken? The whole thing is so 1987 I'm not sure what to think. Although 90210 is coming back to television, so...

How to Read a Script

One of the things I've learned in my newfound (dare I call it) career as a writer is how to read a screenplay or TV Episode script as an actor. Basically, you have to ignore a lot of it.

See, one of the things that acting schools don't teach you is that writers, writing for any medium outside the theater, are writing to show a reader what this final product might look like. They are writing to sell as much as anything else. And in attempting to create a picture for the potential buyer, or showrunner, or boss, one must write in a ton of looks, facial expressions, reactions, parentheticals, emotions - all of which, in reading a script, help show the reader what the final product might look like, none of which help the actor deliver a performance.

See, as a writer, I don't care if the actor smiles where I say smile, or gives a dirty look where I say "gives a dirty look." In writing a screenplay, I use those as devices to make beats, to help map the page. I would, in the end, much rather see an actor honestly play the scene, using all of those markers as a roadmap. The same way a playwright writes "(beat)," I might write "Del looks out at the sea for a moment, wondering if he'll ever find his way back home." Essentially, silent pause, but I want the reader, the potential producer, what have you, to be inside the character at that moment because I don't have the benefit of having an actor performing at that moment.

As an actor, you must learn to read between these lines - you must find the map. And the more honest of a performance you can give, even if you don't drop your keys when told, or heave a sigh of regret, you're gonna be closer to getting the job.

At least... that's how I write.

Tax Time

Guess how many W-2's I had this year?

9

Add to that a few 1099's and you've got yourself a real headache. For those who are already bored, lost, confused by all those numbers... A W-2 means they took taxes out, or could have or should have. A 1099 means they didn't. Both report earnings.

As an actor working professionally, you will be paid by a talent payroll company and your wages will be taxed. One benefit to this is that you can, after your one day of work on Medium, file for unemployment. One drawback is that the IRS thinks that you were an employee of a Payroll company for a day, and they're none to happy when you try to explain to them that you are an actor, by definition a perpetually freelance job, and that you give 10% of this income to your agent, and yes you should be able to deduct that, and...

Lost you again, huh? Ok, that's my point. Hire an accountant. Let them deal with this. Because tax laws weren't built for artists but a knowledgeable professional (not H&R Block) will be able to help you write off all that needs writing off. If you should ever go through an audit, as I did two years ago, you'll be damn glad you did. (I beat them, by the way.)

More helpful hints here.

Google is Good

You have to love any corporate giant that can play an April Fools Joke.

Polaroid Obit

Next summer, 61 years after it was invented, Polaroid will stop making film for its cameras. 

The polaroid has been a beloved tool of casting directors, especially commercial casting directors, in all the time I've been acting. At any commercial audition, one must fill out a size card and have a Polaroid taken. The polaroid is then stapled to the size card, and given to the casting director, or whoever happens to be in the room.

I've never, ever looked good in a Polaroid picture. But I'm not alone. I've seen models, actual models, real life models at auditions not look good in their Polaroids. Giselle has taken bad Polaroids. And yet, I have a certain affinity for the instant gratification of the photo, the rote mechanism it has become in my life. I blindly fill out the size card, I put on my carbon copy smile, bend at the knees a little (because I'm always taller than the person taking my picture, and you never look good shot from below) and FLASH! I am captured in an instant and stapled to my sizes.

So for all you actors out there, having a Polaroid taken will soon be a thing of the past. I encourage you to cherish the moment.

Up next, the barcode. And why I have one.

Speaking of Cattle

So, I'm on someone's sh*tlist right now for not signing an animal rights petition. It was about veal. And she brought it, I kid you not, to a steak dinner, to have the guests sign it. 

I like veal. I like it tender. I like it the same way I like Fois Gras from suffering fowl. I also have a dog that I love very much. I believe in animal rights - I'm just not sure when it comes to the ones I eat. 

I didn't make an issue about not signing it, by the way, I just politely passed it back without my name on it. Where I come from, you don't bring petitions to dinner. And you don't get mad at people for not signing them. I believe that's what led to fascism.

But really, a veal petition at a steakhouse?

Cattle

I deny that I ever said actors were cattle. What I said was 'Actors should be treated like cattle.'

-Alfred Hitchcock

I thought of that quote the other day while entering a casting office. In front of the building there was a sign. 

CASTING:2nd Floor. Actors, please do not disturb other tenants in the building.

Now, how would I disturb them exactly? Would I run from office to office, poking my head in and saying "Boo"? Would I just meander the halls, mooing like a cow might. Or was my very actorly presence disturbing in and of itself.

Hitchcock's line might seem offensive, but in fact, he makes a great point. It's not that we act like bovine creatures, it's that we're treated like them. Treat an actor like a cow long enough... he might just turn into one.

A few other ways actors are treated like ripening rib eye...

NO ACTOR PARKING. A familiar sign at all casting offices. OK, I understand. But somehow, a "Client Parking Only" sign, or "Parking for Employees Only" sign doesn't work. These NO ACTOR PARKING signs feel a bit like the WHITES ONLY water fountains of the 50's.

At auditions, we're often told to sit in the order we're supposed to go into the room. Like we don't have brains and memories. "You're first, you're second." Like it's really difficult to call someone's name.

Cattle calls. I don't think I need to explain this one.

Listen to This

One of the better things about LA is public radio station KCRW, and one of the best things about KCRW is Rob Long's Martini Shot, two minute interstitial bit of industry observation. Rob Long is a television writer (he wrote on Cheers, and also wrote a funny book about the business called Conversations with my Agent), and he calls it exactly as he sees it in his commentary. From this week's assessment of the end of the writer's strike as analogous to that moment in a slasher movie when the "dead" villain rises in the background just when everyone feels safe...

"And rushed and frantic as it is, it's never so rushed or so frantic or so hurried that every single executive still on the payroll (and surprise! Even after four months, they're all still on the payroll!) doesn't build a little time into the process to deliver a set of script notes. We're in a time crunch, sure. But I'm making it better."

Anyway, check out Martini Shot past episode podcasts here. Among my favorites, Good Agentry, Continue Trading, and the one to which I personally connect most, Check Email. And support your local public radio station.

They Call it Acting

One of the things that has happened in the two years that I've been in Los Angeles is that I've made more money "acting" than I ever have before. And in that time, I've done less "acting" then ever before, leading me to wonder just what "acting" is.

When I became serious about this career, I had the unshakeable belief that to act was to explore and share the human condition with an audience in an authentic and novel way. I was a behavioral scientist, presenting my findings of character and crisis to a live crowd. I could effect people. This, I felt, was important work. I was not simply an entertainer. I was part of a movement, I was trying to change the world. I was connecting to people, and as a beloved acting teacher once told me as if it was scripture, "only connect."

My last job was a Wendy's ad. I didn't change anything. I did get a lot of text messages from friends I hadn't heard from in awhile when it aired. I guess that's connecting.

Last year, I played an Internal Affairs Detective, a Honda Salesman, a guy at a dinner party, a security guard,  bartender, a rapid sports fan, and an office worker. Rarely did I explore the human condition, and if I did, I was hawking some product or other. I don't really feel like I've done any acting - which involves things like collaboration, creativity, challenges, discovery, personalization. Instead, I've been filling in a small gap in other people's creative vision, I've been fitting the bill. I match what someone sees in their mind, hopefully add to it, and they hire me.

This is not what I set out to do as an actor, and I'm not actually presenting any findings of fact here. I guess I just wonder what one calls this thing I do. Cuz I don't think it's called acting.

Boot Camp

One of the ways I supplement my income (shocker! writing a book about the acting business doesn't pay the bills) is by editing demo reels for actors. I came up with the idea when I needed to get my own demo reel made and found that people wanted to charge me upwards of $75 an hour to get it done. So, I've set up an affordable practice from my home office where people bring me their footage and I cut it for a flat rate of $150. I get some pocket cash, actors don't break the bank to get their reel, la, la, la... everyone is happy.

I'm telling you this not to solicit clients (okay, that'd be fine too) but because I am so steaming mad at the number of people who take advantage of actors with exorbitant fees and even more expensive promises, and I want to make sure I make a full declaration of how I conduct business before I tell this tale. 

One of my clients came to me needing an update to his reel. He had attended a Hosting Bootcamp - a weekend seminar taught by a "hosting expert" (whatever that means) at the cost of $500. At the end of the seminar, you get to do two minutes in front of a green screen. However, if you want the footage, you have to pay an additional $20 for a DVD (they cost fourteen cents wholesale, I know). The DVD he ended up with skips in places, and they won't send him a new one, he has to drive out to Santa Monica and get one. Plus, he told me that the "Hosting Expert" spent a majority of her time talking about politics, not teaching hosting.

Now, for $500 you could buy a camcorder and stand in front of a green wall and make all the hosting tape you want. And from what he tells me about the class, they didn't learn anything. Her class boasts about teaching you to read copy. (Um, read it, and look at the camera, and have a personality.) There comes a point where I just want to scream at people, if you can't figure out how to do something like this on your own you should probably NOT BE IN THIS BUSINESS.

It's everyone's fault. The actors who think they need the footage so badly that it's worth the money, that they'll learn that one little secret that will suddenly boost them to stardom. (There is no secret, there is only subjectivity). The ethically corrupt "experts" who teach these high priced classes - I figure this woman must make at least $10,000 a seminar. And guess how she's not making that money? Hosting her own show.

Yes, there are expenditures, but please be wise about the ones you choose. Spending half of your rent on a weekend, learning to read a cue card, that's not going to get you anywhere. Instead, stay home that weekend and watch Ryan Seacrest host the Idol on your Tivo and figure out what he's doing that's so good, because people love that guy. Get a little innovation. Because if you don't have that, who on earth is going to trust you to host their show.

End of Days

I would love, love, LOVE to say that I am greeting the end of the WGA strike with joy and enthusiasm, but I find that it's really only creating more anxiety. After all, not having any film and television auditions during a strike is one thing; not having them when everyone else is back to work is another. It's been an ironically great few months for out of work actors. They've counted among their ranks such luminaries as, oh, THE STARS OF EVERY TELEVISION SHOW ON THE AIR. When I asked a friend of mine recently how he felt about the strike, he echoed this sentiment rather wisely. "I guess I feel like everyone else is finally in the same boat I'm always in."

On another note, my girlfriend almost survived the strike. 2 days short. Warner Bros. let her know that last Friday would be her last day - knowing full well an end of strike announcement was expected Saturday. Now they'll be re-hiring her on Wednesday. We figure they saved a grand total in the neighborhood of 400 bucks. Let's hear it for corporate giants.

... but twice?

This woman had her nurse with her. This was for a regional ad that will only run in Arizona. 

Sometimes casting waiting areas feel like the welfare office.

Stay in this game long enough

I was sitting in a waiting room at Ocean Park casting yesterday, reading my book in a corner and waiting for my audition to begin when I looked up and saw this. Is it supposed to be this way?  70 years old and auditioning for a Keystone Light ad?

I'm back...

What with the burgeoning blogosphere and my own recent writers block, I decided it was time to get this thing up and running again. I know that there are a lot of actors out there posting away about their auditions. Hopefully, you'll find a sense of humor, wry irony, and something different here. After all, I wrote a book about this life.

So, maybe now this will be place where I can blather on about the business a little, and other more meaningful things a lot.


If you haven't checked out the book, it's available wherever books are sold, and though I support independent booksellers whenever and wherever I can, if you buy it from amazon.com it'll make me happy because I check my sales ranking there like 4 times a day.